I can't anymore

I can't do this to myself anymore. My God, I love her so much, but I don't know her. She's with him, and apparently she's happy, or sitting on his dick waiting for me to get back and screw him over, which really in all honesty wouldn't surprise me.

You know the quote that goes something along the lines of "The best form of revenge is to live?" Well that's what I have to do. I have to live without her. Without the idea that I'll go home for Christmas and see her and we'll fall into mind blowing passionarte sex and everything will be alright and she fianlly, for the love of God tell me that she loves me and always has and was to Goddamn afraid of it.

She's always been used for sex, and after those ppl get tired, there she goes out the fucking window and they move on. I have always been there, never have we fucked, and yet I get shoved aside for the others that just want to get lucky. She said so herself that any guy who's with her is fucking lucky. She gives them herself whether or nt she loves them. I'm not say that all sex has to have love before it, and sometims it helps to spur love on, but still. Really? Go buy a fucking dildo people and save yourself for the people that really matter.

She's not caring. Not asking to read my blocked blogs, or whatnot, and when I unblock them, there's n response. And then I get text messages that say if she were ever to touch a gilr again it would be me, and that it might have done more harm than good to tell me that but she was going to tell me anyway.

She knows the agony I'm in. She knows. Yet she still hasn't let me go, and she knows that would be the best thing. Then again there's me, and I don't want to ask her cause what if she says no, and then my whole little Christmas dream would be shattered and I would be even more shattered and I don't want to go over that cliff again.

30 mg of anti-depressant is all I'm going to take people!