life part II

The fact that I was in love with my drama teacher began to dawn on me when I realized how much I talked about her. I would talk to my friend Vivian about what she wore, what she had taught that day, what mood she had been in a wonder why it was so. When I realized how much I was talking about her, I tried to keep my mouth shut in case anyone could figure out what was going on. It wasn't until that summer, at the Fringe festival, that I came out to Kaleb. I told him that I thought I was bi. He asked me if there was anyone who invoked me feeling that way, and I said yes. It was Ms. Brooks. Ironically enough I found out she was also a lesbian, or at least interested in women, which fascinated me even more, and of course in my little mind I fantasized about the two of us getting together after I graduated, which was in a year. Funny thought.

I went through that summer accepting more and more the fact that I indeed like women, and it was something I was going to have to deal with. I went on a mission trip to New Orleans with me Catholic Church group. There I came out to my best friend Meg, and she came out to me. We were both Catholic, adolescent bisexuals, oh great. I spent a few hours talking to the big guy upstairs apologizing and asking him for help to guide me in who I was. I feel like I came to terms with him, sort of, but not really.

The school year started again. The beginning of my senior year I was plagued with a sexual frustration that was driving me mad. I had no idea how to go about getting a girlfriend or how that processes worked and nobody, well hardly anyone knew who I was. I fell further in love with my teacher, and realized that my fantasies were just that, fantasies. I was beating the shit out of my punching bag and busting my knuckles at the same time. I also managed to tell my mother that I liked girls and that went over well…but really we didn't speak of it after that for quite some time.

It was right around this time that I came on to a girl that I found on MySpace. Her name was Jem. She was 19 years old and went to Rollin's College. My opening line was that she looked like Kate Beckinsale, and that I thought we had a few things in common. She replied and told me that we would see, and gave me her instant messenger screen name. We talked and got to know each other and she dropped me her phone number. I was ecstatic, but I couldn't bring myself to call her, I no balls for that at all. One day at dinner, I got a phone call. She called me. She made the first move and called me because I was too chicken. I don't know how long that phone call was, but it was over an hour long. I laughed; we talked about nonsense, and then hung up. I was so happy, and excited. She told me that she didn't know how to drive, so I told her that I would teach her. I don't even know how we set our first date, but it was to go see my school's production of Neil Simmon's Fools.