Prediscussion Questions and some more :)

When is a time you faced a difficult decision? What made it difficult?

I am sure that I have had to make difficult decisions in my life, really I'm sure of it. The thing is though, that I'm so firm in my decision that it really isn't difficult. I mean, I could have stayed in Florida for Jem, and I did contemplate that, I won't lie, but the thing is, how could I not come here? I can't make a decision based in the heart though I sorely, and deeply miss her (though I have now decided to move on with my life). But staying for someone other than myself was something I vowed not to do, and cannot do. It's not something that is feasible in my mind.


Other suff....

you'd be amazed at how light you feel when you let it go.

Anyway that wasn't the point of this blog.

I just wanted to let everyone know, I fell on the ice today and cracked it. I was lucky because I thought no one saw it. Yeah, someone did, she asked if I was okay. I was. Wounded pride, laughing soul, and sore ass! Fall number one for the year/season. We'll see how many more will accumulate.

watch the ice!

Purging

am now on the new mindset that I am going to purge myself of everything shitty that seems to come up and bite me in the ass.


I am going to try and look at everything as an opportunity. Every day is an opportunity to live. A gift that we are given to get up and take advantage of all that we've got.

My heart is so shredded from several different things, one in particular as of late. There are so many of you that have helped me keep it together and it means more to me than you know. Victor, my meowums, texas :) Though many of us have only been together for three months, you have all changed me so much and allowed me to see more of myself and the world. I pull my strength from you.

I am a lesbian. It is to the point now where practically everyone here knows it. That is except for Darla and Bruce. Or I should say everyone of importance that it actually matters to me whether they know or not. Nickname The Lez and The Jew(because when you try and type in lez to T9 jew is one of the options. so if your jewish and this offends...you have no sesne of humor.)

I am letting go. It hurts me so much to do it, and I have to constantly remind myself that there is someone out there who will care and love me as much as I care and love her. She's out there. Hell, she might even be here. Which is a bit weird to think of because it is after all South Dakota, but hey you never know. So yes, I am moving on. My heart is ripping from my chest and my soul is bleeding, but in the end, it will actually heal and quit being such a festering wound that keeps splitting open all the time.

Okay, so let's see how long this lasts till I implode. lol, it's okay, I've got writing, singing, and acting as my outlets, I'll be okay :)

Prediscussion Questions 1

What happens when you fall in love?


The world ceases to spin in that first moment of realization and then accelerates into a dizzying state of panic. Whenever they speak or awknowledge you in anyway your heart flutters and you long to be with them. Your skin errupts in ripples of gooseflesh and your body heats wherever they touch you. Kisses linger and can be recalled within a second. No move is regretted, but rather those that aren't taken. The world is an amazing place and it's easy to find the good in it. Your heart is no longer yours, but that of your lover's. But the world dies when your heart is dropped.


What do you value so highly you would go to extremes to protect it? What would some of those extremems be?

I am a naturally adventurous person and though danger may freak out, I've always been the type to want to jump in head first then not do it at all and regret it. So when it says extremes, really I would do anything. I value love. Without love there could hardly be compassion and without that the world would be in an even graver state than it is in right now. I realize that with love, hate inevitabley comes along because you can't have one without the other. So I guess I would value hate because of its connection. Hate is not something that I pride myself in, nor is it something I advocate, but to have love there must be hate so that you can know the wonders of what love really is. It's two extremes.

sicky poo

A cute way to say that I'm hacking up gross yellow green shit. It's no fun, but hey, it won't kill me, so it's okay. I feel like a big walking ball of germs and I'm contaminating everything. I'm not a germaphobe, no not at all.

So my friend Meg came from florida to visit me over thanksgiving. I'm was so glad when she left. I feel horrible saying that, but I did. She didn't want to do anything because it was too cold, so we were cooped up in my dorm room and it wasn't fun. Jem isn't the only one who thinks that Meg's in love with me. A few other people got that vibe too. That kind of bothers me. I don't see her like that at all, and so it kind of kills the friendship mood and just gets annoying. Anyway, I have a new resolution.

I am going to look on everyday as an opportunity, not as a drag. If a day is boring, it's an opportunity to make it more exciting. To use my imagination and find something to do. That's just an example. There are too many things I take for granted, and I realize that. Everyday and second God gives me air to breath, and the gift of life. I need to do something with it! Since I'm so easily amused anyway, why can't I look on life that same way? Find the beauty in the mundane? I mean that's not totally possible because well, let's face it, I can't completely change the way my mind works, but you get my drift I hope. I am going to start rehearsing. No more excuses, not more shit. I am not going to waste my time. There's no point. I want to get somewhere and feeling like I'm not getting anywhere because I'm doing anything isn't going to cut it anymore. So there!

I thought I was going to have the conversation to end them all with Jem. I thought she was fianlly going to let me go and tell me to leave her the hell alone. But she didn't. And that kind of made me happy. It made me happy because she still wants me there even thought she's still scared out of her fucking mind or what not. I dunno. We'll see.

Wow, the discovery channel is just plain weird. I'm currently kind of distrubed. Oh okay, the monkey human gave to baby back. Never mind. Ew! dead monkey human. Oh God this is really weird.

I love these

Heehee. Writing the blog on the day it's due. I lose count, what can I say?

Law and Order is on. Quite the depressing show.

Anyway, I realize that I have abandoment issues. I can up and leave people, like back home, miss them for a little while and then move on and be fine. (Jem is the exception of course.) But when people leave me, yeah I don't take it too well. All my friends are leaving for the weekend. Or at least the ones in this hall are. And several will be gone on Thanksgiving, and I will be here. But at least I have plans. There are a few of us that aren't going home. And my friends is flying up, so it'l be fine. Just weird. Weird to stay in a practically empty dorm since my friend goes back on Saturday.

I was very not there in class today. It was kind of sad. Demoralizing more like it. Meh, I'll get over it. At least they're thought provoking and all.

I miss Jem.

Harrison Burgeron and the avalanch that followed

Wow, so class really pissed me off today. Here was a story that I actually quite liked and had the effect of making me feel pathetic and yet thankful for the shity yet interesting dog eat dog world we live in. But seriously. There were so many gaps in the story that you could...I don't even know what you could do. I'm out of analogies.

Some people need to think before they speak and stop attempting to make themselves sound smart by talking. Yeah, make sure you have something that's actually interesting and thought provoking because it came from some previously provoked thought, or keep your trap shut!

(I'm a currently listening to a song that's called Anthem and this guy is singing about his nation and "let petty nations tear themselves apart", and it just feels very patriotic and rebellious, I don't know why, but thinking about it in the context of Harison Begeron makes me kind of happpy. Okay, now Cell Block Tango is on.)

Anyway, the gaps in the story just kind of made me angry. How were they educated? I mean I'm sure that if you took two people and educated them, except one was educated to a kindergarden level and the other one finished her masters in college, they would totally be on different levels, but they would have each had the capacity to do both. So did they just stupify teach them? They had to learn how to read, you don't pop out of the womb with the ability to read, unless at that point it just becomes something that people can naturally do, which would be pretty cool...

What about equality for sexes? There was still the distinction of who was a man and who was a woman. So how could that be fair? Would sexism not exsist anymore, because I doubt that it could simply just, poof, be gone. And what about racsim? Would people be made white, or black or whatever color as long as it was consistent? How did that work?

I pretty sure homosexuals were far beyond the state of mind of the writer on who's name I just brainfarted on. What about that? Would they be erradicated just like all the naturally handicaped? Those who were below the average line? They can't just delimb people, and there are always going to be the strange unexplainable cases that it just isn't possible to make anyone like that. So do they get killed? Obviously the government has no problem just shooting and killing someone.

I would really like to see how the rest of the world was functioning. Are they all like we are now and wondering and laughing at how shitty the American's have it now? Would they try and save us? Or did they put us there? That's the place of the American's?

There's so much to think about! Ah! I could create my own bloody story to fill in the gaps but I would drive myself mental because it's just not possible. And that's what the writer was trying to say, but yet then there's the reason he wrote it. Another thing about the writer, I thought of this question in class but didn't want to say anything more anymore becuase I was beyond fuming at that point and it wouuldn't have been coherent, the fact that there was a woman in such a high place. Did he think that having women in higher government positions was a way to get into a society like that? I just sort of picked up on a bit of sexism. But then again as a lesbian anything seems like an attack on women. I don't know. I feel better now. It's Raining Men is playing now, Aretha makes me happy.

This is a part of what may be my book...

So last night, in my state of being unable to sleep, I thought that I should put together a little list of things that people should keep in mind as they embark upon their college life, or so other people can know that they're not the only ones. This list is not just of what to do, or what not to, though that is definatly included, but there is a whole shitload of other things I think you will find useful, if not as a sort of preperation, or just funny. Enjoy, as all of this has mostly been my experience so far, or I've heard from others (if it's nasty and totally not me but something I heard, I'll put a little star by it.) PS. This may go somewhere in my book of life that I plan to compile at some point...

1. Get all your shots. Really people, menengitis is not something you want to get. It'll kill you and it's rampant.

2. When someone get's a cold in your dorm, you'll get the sniffles soon after.

3. Toasters may be illegal, but when you have that first toasted bagel for the first time in forever, it's like an orgasm in your mouth.

4. When going to the bathroom at night, watch your fingers in the door. They have a tendancy to get smashed when you're half asleep.

5. You can sleep in college! It's just a matter of finding out when.

6. Hardly anyone goes to sleep before 1 in the morning no matter what day it is.

7. You can do whatever the hell you want and go wherever the hell you want to go. There's no one to tell you no. So go to that midnight movie showing on a Thursday night!

8. You know how high school teachers are always telling you to turn things in on time and that it won't fly in college if you turn a paper in late...lie. Talk to the professor if you know you're needing more time. They'll more than likely give it to you.

9. Game nights are absolutely amazing. No need to go get drunk, just hang out with crazy people and that'll do it for you.

10. For theatre people, memorize your lines. But memorize them so that they make sense and you know why you're saying them and why the other character is saying what they're saying. Best and fastest way to learn them.

11. Be yourself. You'll be amazed at how many people you'll find just like you.

12. Make sure you have a friend with whom you can go spend the night with in case your roommate is.... and make sure your roomate has somewhere to go in case you're....

13. Yeah, that sawing noise upstairs. There's no one doing woodwork at 1:00 in the morning. That's someone getting it on. Yes, you hear it all the time ppl.

14. Girls, I suggest staying in an all girl section/hall depending on the set-up. It can be a coed dorm, but the floors or sections, better go with single gender. Guy's smell like ass and their hallways do to.

15. Guys, if you don't want to see blood all over the private bathroom, I suggest the same thing.

16. You will find very odd things in the bathrooms. Drunk girls seem to like to wave their used tampon about the bathroom. It's gross.

17. You'll inevitably smell throw-up at some point in your residence hall. It's not fun, but you deal.

18. There are no mommys and daddys to take care of you when you're sick, you've got to do that on your own.

19. Don't download porn off the computer while your roomates in the room, especially if you have a limewire pop up thing that tells you what's been downloaded. Same goes for sex toys, porn stories, cyber sex.... just wait till they're not there, it's not that important is it? *

20. Guys, lesbians, and bisexuals. Do not stick starbursts into your lover if you don't like her flava'. You might end up eating her herpes pack. *

21. Do not have your lover in your bed when your roomate might walk in. If this happens, hope your in a loft and hide them under the covers till your roomate goes away. Or maybe you just don't care.

22. The food in the cafeteria starts to taste like carboard boxes. It's not exciting at all. Make sure you have a bit of money so you can go get food else where at least once a week.

23. The grudge people live in the shower. There's hair everywhere girls, so learn to fight that gag reflex.

24. Cleanliness and sleep time are in a constant battle with eachother. Me, who used to have shower everynight before I went to bed, yeah, sometimes I skip a night. Haven't made it to two yet though. Might happen in the winter when it's colder, but that would be desperate.

25. For those moving to colder climates, make sure you know what to get. I'll post up at some point later the things I have and what worked and what didn't...

26. Animals are different in every state. Huge ass chiuahua squirels, and no gators here in South Dakota!

27.Don't bring a shit load of stuff especially if you have no way to get it back home. You'll have no room and your room will be a mess.

28. Laundry! You have to do it yourself! Read the blog about my first college laundry experience and don't let it happen to you!

29. When you get to college, water becomes amazing.

30. At some point your toothbrush might end up in the toilet. Make sure you know how to juggle peeing and holding your tooth brush at the same time.

31. Try not to forget your towel when going to take a shower.

32. Communal showering...ewwness. Being barefoot in a shower becomes foreign.

33. Know the number of the front desk so you can tattle on the people next door who are being too loud at 3 in the morning on a school night.

34. Fire drills are funny. No one has come out in a towel yet though :(

35. A pet fish is a necessity. You have no idea how attached I am to Ralph. If the building were on fire, I would grab Ralph, my blankie, and Softee. and then kindly ask Julia to get my computer.

36. Be social. Get to know lots of people, 'cause sometimes you have to get away from some of them.

37. If you loft your bed, you'll hit your head.

38. Theatre people are the ones who go around talking to themselves.

39. Music theatre kids are the ones who randomly break into song...at any point...for any reason.

40. Movie are the best social gatherings. So don't watch a movie you have to think about, pick one you can laugh about and be distracted at the same time.

41. Calendars are amazing.

42. The days blend in together, yet you still know how far from the weekend you are.

43. Hand sanitizer is my friend.

44. Ask. If you ever need anything, anything at all. Ask. Someone will care.

45. Naked! Only when the roomate is not there.

46. The library is quite an amazing place. Best place to study, personally.

I can't anymore

I can't do this to myself anymore. My God, I love her so much, but I don't know her. She's with him, and apparently she's happy, or sitting on his dick waiting for me to get back and screw him over, which really in all honesty wouldn't surprise me.

You know the quote that goes something along the lines of "The best form of revenge is to live?" Well that's what I have to do. I have to live without her. Without the idea that I'll go home for Christmas and see her and we'll fall into mind blowing passionarte sex and everything will be alright and she fianlly, for the love of God tell me that she loves me and always has and was to Goddamn afraid of it.

She's always been used for sex, and after those ppl get tired, there she goes out the fucking window and they move on. I have always been there, never have we fucked, and yet I get shoved aside for the others that just want to get lucky. She said so herself that any guy who's with her is fucking lucky. She gives them herself whether or nt she loves them. I'm not say that all sex has to have love before it, and sometims it helps to spur love on, but still. Really? Go buy a fucking dildo people and save yourself for the people that really matter.

She's not caring. Not asking to read my blocked blogs, or whatnot, and when I unblock them, there's n response. And then I get text messages that say if she were ever to touch a gilr again it would be me, and that it might have done more harm than good to tell me that but she was going to tell me anyway.

She knows the agony I'm in. She knows. Yet she still hasn't let me go, and she knows that would be the best thing. Then again there's me, and I don't want to ask her cause what if she says no, and then my whole little Christmas dream would be shattered and I would be even more shattered and I don't want to go over that cliff again.

30 mg of anti-depressant is all I'm going to take people!

For Her

the one who captured my heart.


My dearest love and holder of my heart,

You stole my heart, and I gave it willingly. But the love is not returned, and my soul cries for it's beating pulse. You hold your heart close, not letting the world see it, but I have, and it made me love you the more.

Your moan of pleasure, you brief kiss of love make my stomach flip and a warmth spread throughout my body. A warmth only created by you.

I can't give you everything, only what I have, and all of it is yours.

You are content to do with it what you will, paining my soul and tearing my heart. To love another, or be with another, and not give me the satisfction of a proper dismissal? However am I to ever to let go?

How can I ever forget the way you feel, the way you moved, the way you touched. The you let me love you. Your kiss is forever imprinted in my mind. My mouth longs only for yours, my hands only for your skin, my body only for your caress.

I want to save you. You let you know that the world isn't a peice of shit. That love really does exsist. I want you to save me. Save me from the madness that you create within me.

All the wrong you've done to me hurts. I won't deny it, but it has been forgiven.

I cannot make you feel for me the way I feel for you. That would solve to many of the world's problems if I had that ability, and I don't expect you to feel such. I want to be told to go away. I want my heart back. This hanging in the air I can take for only so long.

Please, tell me if you want me.

Oh shitting cow

so many things have happened.
Rehersals for the One Act are going amazing, but it's hard to detach myself from that character to the character in the scene I'm doing in acting. I've never had to juggle two completely different roles before.
I think I found grey sweater girl. I think her name is Shonda. A bit odd I know, and she has it lovelyly specified on facebook that she likes guys. yay, road block number, well I have to talk to her first and then go from there. I don't even know how to go about it. Don't want to come on strongly and freak her out, that wouldn't be fun and I wouldn't appreciate it if someone did that to me. So, I have to find an approach. I already thought of running into her on my bike (yes, desperate I know) but then figured, not so good idea darling. no not at all.
Either way, I really miss my Jem. she's not mine, but she is. She says that she misses me, and that makes me happy. The fact that tomorrow is the first of nov. and Meg is coming up for Thanksgiving and then it's all the closer to when I can see her again, is relly giving e stuff to look forward too. I can't wait to go home. I'm so totally excited! I can't wait to see Jem. I doubt either of us will be able to restrain much, though we were definatly professionals. I hope we won't, and then we can see what it would be like...
Okay, enough for now.

haha! I made the 14 blogs!

Depression hit me last Sunday. I didn't want to write about it until now because I would remind myself of how bad I felt. I went to the Newman Center, got into the actual church and basically exploded into tears.
I came to the whole realization that being a Catholic and a lesbian were kind of ironic since the Catholic Church believes that being gay is wrong. So I had this miniature break down of how can I be myself, and keep my faith, and then I talked to Darla, and she helped me see that God is a forgiving and loving God, not a spiteful, condemner. But I guess you can't paint God to be the way you want him to be, that's not right. So really I don't know. I can't not be a lesbian. Trust, I spent all last week trying...and failed miserably. Well, I least I really know that I am. Perhaps one day everything will actually fall into place and life will really make sense. I can't wait to see Jem again. I miss her so very much.
Oh, hormones are being crazy! My friends and I were watching a movie and a lesbian came along named Gina, and ugh, just wanted to kiss her. Not really attracted to her, but it was there. AH! Not good.

Rants 'cause I'm good at them

AHH! Why DO I BOTHER?! I HATE IT! THEN I HAVE THESE POWER SURGES AND ALL AND THINK, I HAVE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME, I DON'T NEED THAT. THEN I FALL BACK INTO BUT IT WAS SO NICE WHEN WE WERE. IT COULD BE NICE AGAIN. NOPE, GO RUB IT IN MY FUCKING FACE. FUCK YOU. I DON'T NEED THAT, I REALLY DON'T. THIS IS ME MOVING ON. NO LESBIANS, (OR HARDLY) AND HERE IS SD BUT WHO GIVES A FUCKING SHIT? I CAN BE HAPPY WITHOUT YOUR LOVE. HA!

This an example of how I currently feel, but trust me guys, i know myself, this won't last long. We'll see.

I love Spamalot. Makes me happy. My power music.

Girl's say they;re stupid when they've stayed with aperson for so long, and they keep getting screwed over. What's funny, is that the common strand between them, is that they want to save whomever it is that they are with. It becomes a sort of dd obsession to save that person, that they think they are the only one in that capacity to do so.

Odd dream

Well, as sickly little college student, I took some medicine and went to sleep.

In my land of slumber, this is what occured.

I was in space, one of the most prized warriors, with really fancy ass weapons. Our ship was attacked and I had to of course defend it, and the way I did that was detroying the man's weapon, which just so happened to be a frisbee made out of material. He cried. Weird I know.

So then I went off to this asylum/nursing home place, to be a worker there and help out with the old people and with the kids. There were about 10-15 other girls there who worked there. Some were talking about lesbians and how some of them thought it was weird, and this one girl was totally a lesbian and we told her that we knew she was. Then I stood up and I said that I was too. Then I heard a really loud pitched sound, and that was telling me that someone in the room was down in the dumps. It was the girl sitting across the table from me. I told her what I was "feeling" from her. I told her to follow me. We went up a flight of stairs and I kissed her. She was a bit reluctant at first, but then she kissed me back. (What happened after that, will not be disclosed, but I'm assuming that you know.) First time I have actually done something other than kiss a girl in my dreams.

Then the other girls trecked upstairs and this other got pissed becuase she liked me, and then this whole fight broke out and men in nursing uniforms with big muscles helped me and a few others break it apart, but not before a girl got spliced with a golden axe (Like they would have one in an asylum) and bled all over the place.

After I woke up from this dream, I realized, I was being tricked and being told that I was working there, but really, I was an inmate.

Two guesses on who the girl looked like.

Time is consistent but life is full of random occurences

Time is passing by so fast, it's quite hard to keep up.

I am in a one act where I have to play an 11 yr old. I have sisters around that age, so it shouldn't be hard to get ideas, what will be hard, is actually trying to convince the audience that I am indeed 11 yrs old in a leotard who developed very quickly for age body wise, but doesn't know what procrastination means.

I keep see this girl around campus. I saw here in the commons one day eating lunch with a known lesbain (wasn't by herself with her), and I found her rather attractive. Anyway, she's known as Grey Sweater Girl. I've seen her twice since then. I like her. If she's straight there may be a chance of that not really being true. I wonder if I should just randomly ask her to lunch. That would be weird. "Hey, want to have lunch with my sometime?" Yeah, lesbian, and I think you're cute/hot/attractive, make an ass of myself. Not that forward people.

There's a quote on someone's marker board in the dorm hallway that says something along the lines of: 20 years from now you won't regret what you did, but rather what you didn't do. That's so true. The 20 years don't even apply, it's just time in general.

How do you live in the moment? I feel like I do so much to waste my time.

Rehersal today at 1:00, rather sleepy, no sun for the past six days, yeah we're all getting irritable and depressed, cabin fever, too much tv and time spent in dorm room, then again it is gross outside and there's no snow, should clean Ralph's tank, I think I should go do that, Jem's birthday next week, need to get to the post office, microsoft still won't fucking work, bad music student, rehearsing should be my life, i should go practice today, failing math, failing theory, currently feeling like failing at life, want to work on the ranch this summer and go to Germany too, money is not exciting, can pay off loan and trip with ranch job, maybe have money left over, probably not much, food and lodging provided, alcohol aloud for under 21 if you work there, that would be funny, riding a horse drunk, no, not cool, messing room, feel bad for julia, toes are getting cold, pinky finger still numb, yummy green tea, not answering phone so much because of bad reception, don't take it personally, what should i do for and hour, don't want to dissapoint director and make her think she made the wrong choice, she's cute, too old for me, not gay, original cast memeber to play the role I'm in...alyssa milano, irony, find it funny. big boobs. hormones are going crazy, really, they're bad, ani difranco = good music for rainy day. Both Hands currently. First line says it's raining. Grammar sucks in this.

Quotes :P

These are some quotes that I like, have made an impression on me, make me laugh...ect.

"It didn't rain on my parade, the float exploded" ~ Courtney

"Shit hit the fan" ~I first heard it from Vivian and

"I don't give a flaming fuck" ~ unknown

"Bloody whanka" ~when Laryn says it

"I hate theatre" ~ Drowsy Chaperone

"What kind of society are we if we can't compare pornography to musical theatre?" ~Drowsy Chaperone

"I didn't pay $100 dollars to have the fourth wall come crashing down in my lap" ~ Drowsy Chaperone

"You told Harpo to beat me? HELL NO!" ~ Color Purple

"I am exactly where I need to be, I need to be exactly where I am" ~ Amy Steinberg

"Elbo, it's our word for lesbians" ~anon

"I will distract myself. Oo look! Where? Ahhh!" ~Happy Feet

"Sometimes people just aren't that stupid" ~ me

"Stay in school, don't do drugs" ~ Godspell (Laryn again)

"It's just that... Wahh!!" ~me

"Her dress is so short she's going to trip over her vagina" ~Arthur

"Mmmm, daddy likes!" ~Gene

"You know in England they call them fags?" ~Laryn

"Nice cover for the rehersal from hell!" ~ Ms. Weagly

"Sometimes people just like to fuck with your heart" ~ a teacher

"So you're having a pretty shity day" ~ a teacher (love 'em both!)

"Did you just say we sounded too butch?" ~Abby

"Don't tell me you were just talking to your vagina" ~ Betsy

"I was salutating my vagina" ~ me

"How to salutate your vagina," say I, Arthur ::leans over to look at my spread legs:: "How do you do?"

"This will not be over quickly. You will not enjoy this." ~ 300

"I'm so nosy" ~ me

"After all that's what your mouth is for, " ~ Abby. "Yeah. Good things, good things, good things..."~me

"I would rather regret having done it than regret not having tried it at all. Bitching and moaning can come later." ~me

"I'm an appetizer." ~ me

"You're a whanker number 9!" ~Luce and Rachel, Imagine Me and You

"Four Catholics, a Jew, and Taylor," ~we know who we are...

"I'll teach you to float if you push me in," ~Abby's modifying of a song

"Let them have fucking cake!" ~me on the French Revolution

"Were you going to say something corny?" ~Abby

::fart:: ~ you know who you are... lol, best ice breaker in the world

"You guys are so weird!" ~ Rebecca Fleminger

"I just joined a line if lesbians." ~ Ashleigh

"The sea is just a wetter version of the sky" ~ Regina Specktor

"I can't help it if I'm helpless everytime I'm with you." ~ Leanne Rhymes

"I just watched a gay guy gag on mr. pibb." ~ Shane in his nonchalant way

"You stole my cherry!" "That's what she said." ~ me, Shane

"I'm waiting for a certain lesbian to get her ass over here!" ~Courtney

"It's Titanic with nasty teeth." ~ Ms. Hilley on Pirates 3

"I'm looking for corny in my life." ~ The Holiday, Iris

"I never realized how pathetic you were," said a random co-worker, "I know. And I'm totally aware of it," sas Iris. ~ The Holiday

"You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life." ~ The Holiday

"You kinda had your chance, and you farted on it." ~ Meg

"Patheticness is radiating." ~anon

"I just made a stupid." ~ me

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." ~ blog things

"I'm trying to solve my life." ~ me

"If my dreams were desitny, I would so be looking forward to my life." ~ me

"It's easier to make a hole than build a pole." ~ Courtney

"Well it sure as shit ain't sad." ~ Danny Ocean

"I'm a lesbian. Hear me roar ::burp::" ~ Me

"I looked at my tarrot cards and you're not in my future." ~ Danny

"...a douche bag with a mowhawk." ~How I Met Your Mother

"I'm pouting. This is me pouting." ~ Meg (over the phone)

"People are stupid. They make me happy." ~ Meg

"It's like a smoking vagina!" ~Taylor

"I just don't want to wake up one morning and discover she's been crushed by a rock slide." ~ Torch Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

"What did you do yesterday that was so funny?" "I smoked a vagina." ~ Taylor, Me

"My dreams make more sense then my life does." ~ Me

"I am an optimist. But I'm an optimist who takes his raincoat." - Harold Wilson

"Oh, she's seen a parrot! That must mean it's all gonna be okay!" -on Pirates of the Caribbean commentary - Keira Knightley

"Those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands, those of you in the
more expensive ones rattle your jewelry." - John Lennon

"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - R. Kennedy

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin

"The only place where success comes before work is in a dictionary." - Vidal Sassoon

"Woman are meant to be loved, not to be understood". --Oscar Wilde

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". ~Gandhi

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house". ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money." ~Robin Williams

"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you 50,000 dollars for a kiss and 50 cents for your soul." ~Marilyn Monroe

"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got". ~ Garth Brooks

"It not my fault you have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon." ~ Harmione Granger

"You might not like him, but Dumbledore's got style," ~ Harry Potter 5

"Every party needs a pooper, and this family is full of shit heads." ~ me

"Lesbians aren't vegitarians." ~ me

"Sometimes I've believed upto six impossible things before breakfast!" ~ Lewis Caroll

"Life isn't perfect and Walgreens doesn't have what I want, damnit." ~ me

"Stephanie is so good, that she can make people orgasm with her gaze." ~ Chantal

"Liquor in the front, poker in the rear." ~ Shane, from the L Word

"At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate." ~Mererdith Grey's Anatomy

"The world is full of fuckers and they don't wanna fuck me..." ~ anon

"Take a peek into my soul." ~me

"If you want people to stop treating you like crap, stop taking it and demand something better." ~Christina, Grey's Anatomy

"If you have two people ina sleeping bag and they really like eachother, wouldn't that be a fucking bag? A bag in which you fuck?" ~ Erin G

"This coffee tastes like shitty poop." ~ Alice, The L Word

"I know how to break a penis" ~ me (as Gwen in Calling All Girls) blooper

"Mutha fucka!" ~ Calling All Girls

"I'm a hand whore, not a vagina whore," ~ Jessie as Holly Calling All Girls

"I'll cut yo shit off!" ~ Calling All Girls

"There was Holly's va jay jay, flappin' in the breeze *pop air cannon*" ~ Calling All Girls

"Yeah, I'm pretty much dead inside," ~ Holly, Calling All Girls

"I really like sex." ~ Gwen (me) Calling All Girls

"Look, it's suddently fall...it fell today." ~ Tessa

"They're people who know what they're doing. Or at least they're trying really hard..." ~Marcia Kear, on authors who use but, and, or because to begin a sentence.

"Leave me alone and let me come up with my own brilliant shit." ~ me to my literacy narrative

"What if you tried to sing it?" ~ Pris Hagen, on Kevin's and my scene

::runs to door. door won't open:: ~ rehersal for scene with Kevin, me btw

the pissing off of stephanie

people. they really have a tendancy to piss me off. people that im not even envolved with going out with two people at the same time. grant it they all know about eachother, but still. it's painful. it has to be. i know that when you're with that someone, you feel like they are complete yours. and they are, for that moment, or several moments of breath. but then they go off and belong temporarily to someone else, they simply belong to themselves. which is a good thing, but seriously, make up your fucking mind my God.

i want to be told to go away. to move on. not, there's still a chance, there might be a chance. or if not, to be told, i love you. i really do, but the idea of being with you scares the fucking shit out of me, but i want to be with you. and them actually follow through. no hints. no guess work. no me sitting thinking, oh there is still a chance. i really am loved but they haven't voiced it.

alas, love is not easy. especially when practically one sided, or one admited, and trying and not giving up because really there is no one else.

kick me in the ass. moving away was what fucked that over, yet by moving away i thought i'd get away from it, how wrong i was. not one day passes when i don't think. when i don't remember. when i don't regret going for it more than once when i had the chance.

i'm sorry it's the same thing over and over again. and i am starting to feel redundant to myself.

i do have happy days. i have had more happy days here than i have had in a long time. so it does help. but it doesn't get rid of my love, and i was stupid to think that it would.

life part III

I kind of let Jem drop out the window after that one. I figured I had let myself be hurt too much and I just had to move on. And then Abby came along. She found out, by me telling the dressing room, that I was bisexual. Later that night, while we were in the dressing room again, there were four of us, Abby, Vivian, Abby's girlfriend, and me. Abby just happened to fart, something of which I cannot help but laugh like crazy at. It was an ice breaker. I didn't really think anything could or would happen between us, but it did.

That year we had a trip to New York with the chorus, band and drama department, and Abby was going, as was I. She was sick during that trip. I had bought a scarf, and saw that she wasn't wearing much to keep her warm, and the temperature was dropping rapidly, so I let her borrow it. We had been flirting since we had both gotten roles in Godspell, but it wasn't really anything, and I was attracted to her greatly and jealous of who she did or didn't hang out with, but that was all that happened . Our second night in New York, we went to see the Color Purple; she sat next to me and grabbed my hand. Okay, so I really didn't pay much attention to the show, I was paying more attention to what ours hands were doing to each others hands. The next night, during the Drowsy Chaperone, we sat next to each other again, and during a very lengthy blackout, she kissed me. I had been dying to do it all night, and she initiated it by kissing my neck. I turned to her and we kissed. We made out and I was floating in the air. In the Newark airport, she managed to put her hand down my pants in front of the teacher, chaperones, other students and the whole of everyone who walked by without anyone noticing. That trip she told me that she had things going on with a few other girls too, and I thought "Well, shit there I go."

But it was not so. We kept in close touch over the phone. We kissed more, we flirted more: so much so that Ms. Brooks had to tell us not to be so touchy feely during rehearsals. She said it with an irrepressible grin on her face and I found that I couldn't keep from grinning either.

life part III

By this time I was completely over, well almost completely over Ms. Brooks. I still found her insanely attractive, but my thoughts were now focused on Jem.

Jem came with a shit load of emotional baggage. She had been in love with a guy, engaged actually, and that blew over badly. But she was still in love with him, thought he only gave two fucks about her. She believed that it was okay to date a guy and girl at the same time. Stupid as I was, and being new at the whole experience, I clench my jaws and accepted it as best I could.

Our following dates were her behind the wheel in some remote parking lot, and me attempting to teach her how to drive. She didn't like to drive and was afraid of it. Fast was not in her vocabulary and parking was nonexistent. Curbs however, were a regular occurrence and were going over bumps a bit roughly and ripping my fuel tank.

We grew close and I was falling in love. We had a rough spots, or at least I did. It hurt me when she was also going out with a guy. That, and we weren't really, completely official anyway, and that was lovely to deal with.

Winter break came along and I was in a play. My dad went out of town with his wife and offered up his house if I wanted to stay there so I wouldn't have to drive so far to get to the show. I had the notion so I acted on it. I asked Jem if she wanted to come over. After the show that night, we went back to my dad's house. I told her that nothing had to happen in case she didn't want to, or wasn't thinking along those lines. Frankly I don't know what I was getting at either. I didn't know how to go about where each of us would sleep, but somehow, we ended up in the same bed. Nothing major happened. I rubbed her back, became thoroughly embarrassed when she told me that I had to acquire the skill of doing the sexy scratch thing.

The next morning was awkward. I cried after I dropped her off because I felt like something wasn't right. Later on we had a conversation where she said that it shouldn't have happened but it was her damned curiosity that took her there. I felt like shit. I thought it was my fault.

We got passed that and went without mentioning it again. It hit the time of year when I was going to audition for colleges. I had to go to Florida State University for an audition and I asked her if she wanted to go with me. She said yes. So, I picked her up the Friday before we were going to leave and brought her to my house so she could sleep there and we could get an early start the next day. My mother didn't really know what was going on at the time, so that's how I got away with it. Never again will she ever let me do that again. Nothing happened that night either, but we were more open to the idea.

We drove up to FSU the next day and got a hotel room. My stomach was a bucket of worms because of the audition the next day, and because I was sick was a bad cold and my voice was two octaves lower than it usually is. That night in the hotel room, we both showered and then fooled around a bit, but there was no touching of the areas, if you know what I mean…then Nathan called. Everything went to shit from then on. But she did kiss me, twice actually. That was my first kiss, and I will never forget it, but nothing progressed from there because her mind was preoccupied with the fact that Nathan had called. She wasn't flying back into his arms, but she couldn't get over the shock that he actually called her after three months. Needless to say, my soul was wounded and that was not what I needed to prepare myself for the audition.

The audition hardly occurred because I couldn't get a note out for singing. I did my monologue and the dancing part and the director said I could send in a tape. I was shattered. WE drove home that night, and she talked to Nathan again. I kept slipping further and further into a depression. To make things better, that night I found out she had had sex with a guy and hadn't told me. I backed off after that, especially since she didn't call me on Valentines Day's yet she asked me to be her Valentine.

irony...my life...amusement

Really, I am not the kind of person who sit's and looks at the Heavens saying "why me", I'm the kind of person who sits and looks at the Heavens saying "can please explain what's going on?"

Okay, so my duck, yeah, maybe she's not, but really. Anyway, I was in church, just sitting in the pews waiting for Mass to start and there she is. On top of everything else, she's Catholic. Now this could be a good thing, if we were of opposite gender. It poses to be a bit more of a diffucult thing in my situtation. Ugh! It's so odd how many similarities we have even from afar. We look like opposites, but part of our mannerisms are the same.

I want. A long and slow progress is about to be underway. Wish me luck, or pray that my rightful duck will somehow manage to fall into my lap...that would be nice. Even if it isn't a duck, a temporary goose so bird or what not will do for the time being...I'm a reasonable person. I thought I had found my duck, but that kind of shattered. I wouldn't be surprised though if we somehow ironically ended up together. That would be one for me to look back and laugh...very hard.

Well, tomorrow's Wednesday and I have another theory test. Jesus Christ I really need help. I'm just so far right brained that the concept takes forever to pass from the right side and be processsed on the left.

As for the performance yesterday, it was amazing. I think I got the most laughs character wise, or at least I think I tied for first. It was a good first impression for the theatre department, and enough I think to earn the respect of those that are a part of it.

I am satisfied. I just wish that I could understand certain things. Life amuses me.

life part II

The fact that I was in love with my drama teacher began to dawn on me when I realized how much I talked about her. I would talk to my friend Vivian about what she wore, what she had taught that day, what mood she had been in a wonder why it was so. When I realized how much I was talking about her, I tried to keep my mouth shut in case anyone could figure out what was going on. It wasn't until that summer, at the Fringe festival, that I came out to Kaleb. I told him that I thought I was bi. He asked me if there was anyone who invoked me feeling that way, and I said yes. It was Ms. Brooks. Ironically enough I found out she was also a lesbian, or at least interested in women, which fascinated me even more, and of course in my little mind I fantasized about the two of us getting together after I graduated, which was in a year. Funny thought.

I went through that summer accepting more and more the fact that I indeed like women, and it was something I was going to have to deal with. I went on a mission trip to New Orleans with me Catholic Church group. There I came out to my best friend Meg, and she came out to me. We were both Catholic, adolescent bisexuals, oh great. I spent a few hours talking to the big guy upstairs apologizing and asking him for help to guide me in who I was. I feel like I came to terms with him, sort of, but not really.

The school year started again. The beginning of my senior year I was plagued with a sexual frustration that was driving me mad. I had no idea how to go about getting a girlfriend or how that processes worked and nobody, well hardly anyone knew who I was. I fell further in love with my teacher, and realized that my fantasies were just that, fantasies. I was beating the shit out of my punching bag and busting my knuckles at the same time. I also managed to tell my mother that I liked girls and that went over well…but really we didn't speak of it after that for quite some time.

It was right around this time that I came on to a girl that I found on MySpace. Her name was Jem. She was 19 years old and went to Rollin's College. My opening line was that she looked like Kate Beckinsale, and that I thought we had a few things in common. She replied and told me that we would see, and gave me her instant messenger screen name. We talked and got to know each other and she dropped me her phone number. I was ecstatic, but I couldn't bring myself to call her, I no balls for that at all. One day at dinner, I got a phone call. She called me. She made the first move and called me because I was too chicken. I don't know how long that phone call was, but it was over an hour long. I laughed; we talked about nonsense, and then hung up. I was so happy, and excited. She told me that she didn't know how to drive, so I told her that I would teach her. I don't even know how we set our first date, but it was to go see my school's production of Neil Simmon's Fools.

possibly worked into my narrative

My mother told me straight up that she wouldn't accept a girlfriend for me. She insisted that her daughter wasn't a lesbian, there was no way. There was a pain that I was hiding, was what my mother told her. The reason she thought I believed I was lesbian was because I couldn't trust men, or because she hadn't been there enough for me, and now I was looking for what I had missed as a child in other women. I didn't think so. I am a lesbian because that's what I am.

I had tried so hard not to be. Whenever I went to the mall as a child, she would avert her eyes from the posters with the beautiful women advertising clothes. I felt guilty if her eyes lingered too long. As I grew older, she noticed more in her quick glances at the posters. The way the clothes clung to their bodies, the way their hair fell, how much clothes they were actually wearing and what they weren't. I wanted to look longer, to have more than a passing glance, but I tore her eyes away and made some comment on the males in the posters instead.

Puberty hit and my family and I wondered why I was more interested in looking at cars than at guys. The thought would enter my head: what if I like women? Then I would get a horrible feeling in my stomach and shove the thought away. Liking women was wrong, it was against my religion and my family would be in an uproar; there was no way to accept liking women. It couldn't happen.

Then, I fell in love, quite unexpectedly actually, much like it usually happens. I didn't even realize what hit me. I walked into the class room two weeks after the regular term had started and found her in the office. She was wearing a scarf in her hair, tight jeans, and flip flops. Her dark hair was pulled into a messy style bun behind the scarf. She had dark eyes, almost black, that made my stomach flip.

Natural Ponderings

She had been attempting to make herself happy by relying on the whim of the women around her. She became attached quickly and would be fast to admit to love if it meant being able to caress one more time. Unfortunately, she usually failed in the attempt to hold on, and was resolutely left sitting on the same corner she started at. After all the rejections, heart breaks, and failures to receive an orgasmic performance, she began to question herself. Was there something wrong with her? Was that why she was being dumped at the same exact corner, unable to move from it? Well, not even being dumped, she thought, simply not being asked out. Fucked around with happened, but there was a failure to take it to any next level that everyone knew existed.

After one horrible incident, which was followed by her lying in bed moping all day the previous day, and calling all her straight best friends and whining to them about it, she decided to set out and figure out what the hell was wrong with the world.

She found it interesting that after coming out as a lesbian, men started looking at her. Wherever she went, she was always sure to catch at least one man's eye. The women she caught the eyes of…well she failed to catch any of their eyes. It seemed to her that coming out a lesbian, gave her an extreme boost of confidence, and the courage to stand up and look like, "I don't give a bloody shit what you think, so move right along in your course of life and leave mine to my own devices." Or perhaps, the men sensed there was something unattainable about her, and well, everyone wants what they can't have. She did have a flock of rather ugly lesbians begin to take an interest immediately after she came out, but she dispersed of them as kindly and quickly as she could. They were not the type of fish in the sea she was after. No, she was after someone in particular, she couldn't say what it was exactly she was looking for, except that whoever she ended up with, would simply and beautifully fit.

Heart's warning

Be careful into whose hands your heart falls for once it has been tainted, it will never remain the same.
They say that you should love like you’ve never been had, and unfortunately, many women do, time and time again. Each and every person who comes knocking heir heart’s door is a new beginning, a new possibility, and after that first glance at the dinner table, and woes or doubts about never loving again, are simply gone. They have evaporated like the steam off the broiled salmon on your plate. You think to yourself that you should have gone with the steak, or something that leaves your breath a little less noticeable than salmon does. That thought gets shoved out of the way by the fact that this is a first date and you should expect no more than a kiss on the cheek…or perhaps a classy old fashioned kiss on the hand?
There is simply something about getting kissed on the hand, to have someone bend over and brush your knuckles with their lips. To have a part of the body normally associated with violence, be caressed with the part that makes everything okay. Like heaven and hell, yet in the kissing of the hand, they become one thing better than even heaven itself. Yes, with the kissing of the hand, a negative and a positive equals something grand.

The Laudry Experience

I just began my first college clothes washing experience. Allow me to say that the idea crept into my roommate Julia, and my head that it would be best to wash our clothes while everyone else was gone to the football game. I realize that this makes me out to be one who doesn’t support my school, and this would have been the first game of my first year of college, but hey, saying that you missed the first college football game of your college career because you were doing laundry makes just as much conversation as saying you went and such and such team won and lost respectively.
I progressed slowly out into the hallway on one of my now common escapades to the restroom. The hallway was absolutely and completely silent and no one was around. The only other time this is evident, is 7:00 am Saturday mornings. I know this because I had the grand experience of being awake at that hour today as well. Anyway, the point is that everyone on my floor, except Julia and I, had gone to the football. I returned, much relieved, from the restroom and gave Julia the full report. Somehow we both decided that we were going to go wash. Neither one of us really voices it; we just end up doing it. Odd I know.
I arrived at the laundry room first and went to swipe my Coyote Card so I could activate the washer without having to use change. Well, the machine wasn’t on. I trecked back to the room and told Julia that the swipey thing wasn’t working and we were going to have to use coins. Julia was on her return journey as I was heading back to the room, Pluto piggy bank in hand.
I emptied the contents of my little Pluto bank onto the window sill of the laundry room. I was impressed that I managed not to spill them all over the floor and down the now considered antique air conditioner. I found a dollar and began placing and dropping them into the machine. Sadly, I did not have a dollar in quarters. The machine regurgitated the coinage that wasn’t to its liking and I was back into the predicament that I didn’t have what it took to start the damn machine.
Thankfully Julia arrived! I traded her some coinage for quarters and placed them in the machine and for a split second waited for something to happen. It did. Julia asked me why it was I was putting my money into the drier. Yes, I had mistakend the drier for the washing machine.
Well, I gave Julia some paper money for quarters and then took a look at the washing machine. Not all washing machines look like the one you’ve got at home, and this one defiantly didn’t work at all like the one at home. I had to make a decision as to whether I wanted to wash my clothes under the category of: white, colors, or bright colors. I am the type of person who just likes to throw everything in and pray. So far, in my short life of clothes washing, nothing has happened. I always used cold water and there was no water temperature choice, the machine was supposed to think for you. We had a pondering moment or two trying to decide which color cycle correlated to the water temperature. Well that was unnecessary because not only did it say it on the inside of the lid, but once you make your color choice, it pops up on the screen what temperature the water is going to be. Yes, we are brilliant and completely tried to do it the Neanderthalic way.
We figured out what it was we were supposed to do, but then Julia read the instructions and they told us to pour the detergent on the bottom and then put your clothes in. I had already piled all my week’s worth of clothes into the machine, which is very spacious if I do say so myself, and I didn’t want to take any chances with a foreign machine. I took all my clothes out of the washer, threw them on the floor, and then proceeded to follow directions, for once in my life, and poured the detergent in.
When I was gathering my stuff together, I told Julia that she knew I was going to go a write something about the experience. She agreed and then had a moment of enlightenment; she was going to write her Narrative English paper about our first college laundry experience. Things like this need to be noted, because after that first time of errors, it will probably be systematic and natural and I won’t ever be able to tell you, at the end of the year, the days I did laundry.
Julia’s socks and undergarments are pink…ooops.